Epiphany.

Obviously my experience in the first four weeks of college have not treated me well. There's no particular instance that I can point to, and it's not the typical problems people have with college (like roommates; mine is good regarding other stories I've heard). I think the most trouble I've had is the fact that I am not like most of the people I am surrounded by here.

We had our first fire drill the other night when I was on the phone with my mom and I was in such a withdrawn, careless mood I didn't even jump when it went off, but simply grabbed my keys and walked out. I stood in the grass across from the dorm by myself. It was like there was an invisible barrier around me. People stood around the edge of it, didn't come near, and talked animatedly with their friends. To them, this fire drill was just another adventure in the dorms. To me, it was just more proof that I wasn't right there. I even tried to look inviting, staying off my phone for ten minutes, but finally giving in and calling my best friend and parents. It was pathetic.

I have gotten to know some people, but I don't see them all the time and I like to spend some time alone, too. It's just that feeling of belonging that I am lacking and I don't know if I will ever find it. At this point, I feel unmotivated to do homework and find myself craving the time when I can sit and read, write, look up pointless videos, or even clean the room.

One of my best friends that attends a different college came to visit this last weekend and I will be the first to say that it was a God-send. She has been going through the same problems and it was great talking it out with someone that understands. I just wish we were at the same school or had time to talk more often. We went to a football game (my first!), tailgated a little, and just had fun. But it was after the game and the fun and hanging out that I was walking back to my dorm and felt so discouraged again. Back into the loop of school and studying, and stressing out.

So it was only just that I had an epiphany. As I sit in a Starbucks editing my final draft of my first essay (which I found myself dreading instead of my typical enjoyment I got in writing), I finally understood why writing had gotten so mundane and tedious to me recently. I was done with being graded to such high standards that ultimately proved...what? My ability to communicate to someone? No.

After dipping my toes in the world of traveling, I thought my thirst would be satiated. This last school year I had done so much...Mexico, Panama, even just new states. I had learned more about myself and others and the world in general. By no means did that help the situation. I want more. I hate being trapped doing societal necessities and earning a degree because "it's what you need," "it's the only way to succeed."

Even if this feeling passes by morning, it's worth writing down. You should not be determined by the degree or education you have. If someone judges you on that, then they're not worth knowing or giving your time to. I have experienced much more than the average person can say they have and I'm young.

I want to use this ample time to do things I won't be able to later. I want the world to think differently of young persons. I want the world to think differently about young writers' abilities. There are so many young artists (One Direction, Taylor Swift), young Youtube stars (The Janoskians), young actors, who have been successful and esteemed. I don't know of many young successful writers. But why not?

Now, my essay will get finished tonight whether I want it to or not. But I am seriously going to consider making writing my number one priority and travel writing a goal of mine.

Alexis