First Days

By no means am I an emotional person. That's not to say that I don't possess the necessary emotional brain functions, but I often try as hard as I can to block my emotional responses from anyone else. In hindsight, it's always a bad idea. At the most inopportune moments, my emotions seem to rear their ugly heads and emerge as childlike temper tantrums.

Now, I had always looked forward to moving away and starting my own life. Although my family and I are extremely close, I was anxious to leave. I guess I had never really thought about the outcome.

The first night in my dorm room, I was thankful that my roommate was out. My family had just dropped me off, and they were staying in a hotel for the night. I had said goodbye to my best friend who would be two hours away in the city. Needless to say, I was upset.

The tears came easily, filling my eyes until they could hold no more. I couldn't even pinpoint exact reasons for my overwhelming emotions. My mind kept providing sad details until my tiny whimpers became heaving sobs and my attempts at distracting myself proved to be in vain. When I wiped the water away from under my eyes, it was only to make room for more. I tried to take deep breaths that turned into sad hiccups. My throat burned and then cooled as I finally gave in.

I was unprepared for this. For school, for life on my own. No particular thought guided my tears, but my inner self seemed to conjure up any reason to cry.

I like to think of myself as someone who quickly understands life lessons and consequences. Maybe it's paranoia to a certain extent, like my fear of any illegal act because I'm scared to get arrested and have all my dreams crash down in front of me. But I also think that this proves beneficial, I think, in situations. My parents have always called me an "old soul," and I'm not sure where or when it began, but I think my brain runs on a different feed than others'. It was at this moment as I was crying by myself that I saw the reason as to why I chose dorm life to begin with. I wanted to do this to learn how to live with others, to appreciate life at home and everything my parents have provided me.

I realized that life lesson the first night, something that should take a little longer to figure out. I thought to myself that the lesson was learned. I wanted to go home. My appreciation would be so much more. At this point, I remember thinking in my head what I would say to my parents when I saw them next.

I'm sorry for ever having been mad at you.